I am a talker, big time! Really. It’s a miracle if I don’t talk — or so I was told. Regardless of the language or the situation, I talk if I feel the urge to say what I feel, why I feel it, to explain my reasons behind. It works really well in business and intellectual conversations. But when it came to sex, I had never been much of a talker before. My usually chatty self just disappeared when the lights went out and it was sex time… hmmm, I couldn’t really imagine talking about any of it.
I used to believe in moans and non-verbal communication — and it worked out fine and I didn’t know better.
When I met my then-boyfriend and we had sex for the first time, I was so nervous, I couldn’t stop talking — I wasn’t sexy-talking, I just blabbered about how ticklish I am, how awkward I feel, how happy I am that he’s here and so on. He put up with it for quite a while, we didn’t know each other too well at that point. But after some time he stopped kissing me and made a gentle comment about me never shutting up. It made me feel awkward and he didn’t want that. So to turn it around, he suggested that instead of rambling I should tell him how I feel as he was kissing various parts of my body. We made a feeling-description-game of what he was doing to me and he kept asking how it feels and what else I would like him to do.
Once I overcame my shyness and the awkwardness… it was amazing, and we have only just started!
Erotic talk, also known as love talk, dirty talk, gross talk, talking dirty, or talking gross is the Wikipedia term for using explicit word imagery to heighten sexual excitement before and during (or instead of) physical sexual activity. It is commonly a part of foreplay and can include vivid erotic descriptions, sexual humour, sexual commands and rude words. It may be whispered into a partner’s ear, spoken over a telephone, or put into text.
It is a great way to bond, to strengthen intimacy, to add novelty. It can serve as subtle instructions phrased in a sensual or sexual way. And it also can be a very explicit way of expressing consent.
Still, if you have never done it, or you had some awkward experiences with it — either doing it or hearing it — it can be daunting.
It’s scary to start it in the first place, mainly because of lack of communication about the topic and because we are stuck in our limiting beliefs about how we should behave, what will the other think, how will it affect the relationship.
The main questions that usually stop us from starting it in the first place:
What if I will freak them out? This is quite common for people starting a new relationship and also for those who have been together for many years but have kept their mouths shut during sex. Introducing a (new) language in the bedroom can be scary, and downright detrimental to the mood.
What will they think of me? What if he thinks I’m too promiscuous or slutty or a player? What if he doesn’t respect me because of what I say? What if she thinks I am a pervert for using those words?
What if I cross a line? What if I won’t know when to stop? Or what is okay and what is too much?
I have the answers:
- Everything that happens consensually between 2 people is okay.
- Judgement has no place in a healthy relationship.
- Communication is key in discussing preferences and setting boundaries for balanced and satisfactory sex life.
Adding the verbal to physical sexual activity the result is a potent, powerful, erotic combination. Dirty talk creates the best kind of tension, spicing up sex with fantasy and anticipation. It also helps you express what you like and want in bed, that can serve not only as seduction but also as instruction.
Building it up gradually and experimenting with ways you are both comfortable with — it can add the much-needed novelty, spice and tension.
Here are some practical, easy to start with tips:
Whatever you whisper will sound sexier
Putting your mouth close to your partner’s ear and saying things such as, “Oh my god that feels so good. I love when you _______” is sexier than saying it out loud because they have to listen to you more closely. The feeling of your breath, the tingling that goes down their spine, and the little hairs that stand up on the back of their neck when you whisper certainly help, too.
Innuendos and sexual humour
Seemingly obvious, but innocent flirting and innuendos, or sexuality-related humour — even in the form of “that’s what she said” kind of jokes can be a very easy hurdle to overcome.
Start with a text message
If you are not sure if you can do it in real life, test the waters and build anticipation via text messages. It gives some distance, it can help them come up with an answer, even if your message catches them by surprise. This way you can check what is still okay, what you feel comfortable with, what responses it generates from the other.
Start describing how you feel
To avoid the stress from deep diving into it, you can easily start by describing how you feel. Simply describe what you’re doing or want to do with them. You can be as abstract as you want, you don’t need to start describing body parts, but working your way up from just the level of your own feelings. Imagine it as giving verbal moans — nothing more. Give encouragement and ask questions on the same note, to learn how they feel — this way you can engage in a conversation, rather than in the technical description of events.
Describe what you want to do
As a next step, when you and your partner both feel comfortable with telling each other about your feelings, you can test the waters and build anticipation for the next things to come. I realised that abstraction and vague notions at first work just as well as very graphic words later on. This is a journey and you should take your time and enjoy the ride (pun intended).
Build up your vocabulary
You don’t need to start with vulgar terms. They might be off-limits either for you or for your partner and it can happen that it is more off-putting than arousing. When describing any sexual act or building anticipation by telling about your pleasure there are different levels of expressions that can be used. Go from sensual/romantic (making love) to official-sounding (having sex) to using slang (doing the deed) to the more graphic/vulgar expressions (fucking).
Make a mental or real list of things you can imagine saying out loud, start with innocent-sounding ones and think about what your limits are.
Make a mental or real list about phrases that you feel comfortable with.
“I can’t get enough of you touching me.”
“I’ve been waiting for this all day.”
“I can’t wait to get home and get naked with you.”
“I love the way you taste.” or “I love the way your cock tastes in my mouth.”
“I love how you touch me” or “I want your fingers inside me.”
“What do you want me to do to you?”
“You like it when I _______ you, don’t you?”
“I can’t stop fantasizing about ______.”
“I love how your finger/tongue feels on my ______.”
“I love it when you do this faster, slower, rougher… more”
Roleplay can be a fun way not to have to take full responsibility for your choice of words because it is not even you, it’s your “character” talking. And to keep it going liberates you from feeling bad about it or getting shy, after all, you had to stay in character! Roleplay often frees us and pushes us outside of our comfort zone making us try things we wouldn’t do otherwise. If it works, you can always put that character on again at a future time. If it doesn’t, you can forget about the role.
Talk about it
When I say talk about it, I don’t mean 50 Shades of Grey kind of negotiation or contract, but rather discussing terms and boundaries in a sensual and light way. Imagine a Sunday morning breakfast chat after a great Saturday night, telling your partner over the blueberry pancakes what you really enjoyed, letting them know how you felt, asking them which part they liked best or what terms they prefered for certain body parts.
Communication is crucial
Talking means creating boundaries — and drawing the lines around the sandbox where you both can play freely. Sexual fantasies aren’t always politically correct, and words that could sound offensive or degrading in day-to-day life can be really hot in bed. But every couple needs to draw their own lines themselves. It may seem awkward to discuss at first, but you can turn it into dirty talk foreplay “You know which word I really like when you say it?” or make it a clear no-go, saying “Never call me a _____. That one’s off-limits.”
Dirty talk is not for everyone — so you can try or not try it.
But what if we don’t call it dirty talk, but rather we consider it using the power of words to a better, more exciting sex life…? Could that work for you?