How to Get Away From the Grasp of a Narcissist
You need to break the abusive cycle
When I was coming out from the abusive relationship with my ex, helpful friends and family asked me so many times why I stayed. I had been asking myself the same thing and I didn’t have the answer — I was trying to find some reasoning, but I couldn’t.
It was irrational and stupid of me to stay — but it was impossible to leave. I wanted to mend the relationship. I wanted my love back. I wanted to fix it, fix us, fix him.
I thought that the bad days were just a phase. I thought that I would be able to love him enough to save him from the darkness he was wallowing in. I thought he wanted to be saved.
I thought we were both victims of our love — and we could get through our problems together.
Little did I know, that there was no ‘we’. There was only him — at the centre of his own world and I was allowed to admire him, as long as I didn’t have needs and expectations. It took me a long time to realise that the only problem we had was him. The way he was. The demons he struggled with.
I was carrying all the weight of the relationship because he didn’t want to. I was trying to resolve the conflicts that arose — ignoring the instincts that were telling me that he enjoys those conflicts and that’s why he generates them.
I wanted to go back to the start and not make mistakes that he could use against me. But I couldn’t.
There was no way back. Only forward.
In any toxic, narcissistic, psychopathic or abusive relationship, there is only one way: out.
Breakups will always hurt, you don’t need to be in a toxic relationship for that, but with someone with a narcissistic personality disorder, the relationship is messy, and the breakup is even messier.
It will hurt — and you might feel that you are not ready to leave the promise of a relationship behind. In any relationship, there might be points when you need to consider whether to leave or fight for the relationship. In a regular relationship, trying to figure out how to grow together, how to make compromises, how to resolve conflicts are natural. When it comes to two adult people the misunderstandings can be discussed, the passion can be reignited, the problems can be solved together. It takes two people — it should never be the emotional labour of just one party.
But with the narcissist, anything that questions his behaviour, any change, any compromise is unacceptable for him. They don’t want to change, because the way of life they have created for themselves is too comfortable. They won’t genuinely want to work on problems because they are the ones creating them in the first place. They don’t want to discuss how they wronged you, because in their minds you have deserved it — for they are superior and deserving of anything they want. Your feelings don’t matter. Your needs don’t matter. You don’t matter.
You are nothing but a provider of fuel for them — not a person with emotions and pain. You have one purpose and that is to serve them.
If you decide that you need attention and care, if you bring up that you have needs too, they will get angry, hurt and will start to blame you for being clingy, needy and irrational. This is not how it should be — and deep down you know it.
The abusive cycle never stops because its dynamics feed them with the energy they crave. They won’t stop on their terms, it has to be you breaking the cycle, becoming useless for them.
You can’t have a healthy, nurturing relationship with them because they don’t want to give that to you. They are in the centre of their own world, you can’t have a place there.
The promise of that charming person who you fell in love with was an illusion. They don’t have bad days and good days — this is how they are. The image you saw first was the mask, and the ugly truth behind it is the reality. They can go back acting nice temporarily, but it’s not sustainable, because it’s not who they are. The person who is worthy of your love doesn’t exist, it’s just a perfectly crafted shadow, a false self. They are actors — very good ones too. But when they come off the stage, their real self is not attractive, charming or funny. They are mean, bored and vindictive. They are petty and jealous. Their real self is empty — but they have the capacity of putting on different masks to make you believe that they are worthy.
One of the most difficult things is to believe that they are broken and you can’t fix them. It’s not your job to save anyone, and even if you want to, the narcissist is the worst test-subject you can choose. They can’t be saved because they don’t want to be saved.
They don’t love you and they don’t love themselves either. The concept of love, caring and selflessness is unknown for them — they don’t understand it and they don’t believe they should try to understand it.
You need to grow and heal — and you can only do this if they are not around to drag you down and hurt you again.
- You have to break the cycle and stop giving them what they need.
- You need to leave and never look back.
- You need to stop giving just another “one more chance”.
- You need to leave without telling them about it — to avoid it at all costs, that they lure you back in.
- You need to increase your awareness about the narcissistic abuse — by reading about it, with the help of a specialised therapist and with support groups.
- You need to be prepared for the worst — hoovering, slandering and revenge to the fullest. Being ignorant about it can hurt you more than knowing it.
- You need to reconnect with your previous life, your friends and family. Look for their support — you will need it.
- You need to make sure that once you left, you stay away.
- You need a healthy distance to break the trauma bond.
- You must go and stay no contact — that starts from blocking them on every possible surface, avoiding bumping into them, to the most extreme measure of changing jobs and flats. The ultimate no contact comes when you can purge them from your thoughts too — but that takes a lot of time. Not stalking them on social media is an excellent place to start.
Grieve your relationship. Allow yourself to be heartbroken. The fact that they lied doesn’t mean that your love wasn’t real. Practice self-care and give yourself as much time you need, don’t rush into anything, don’t look for a rebound just yet.
And most importantly, don’t blame yourself. It was never your fault.
Zita Fontaine is the author of A Box Full of Darkness, a guide to understand and move on from narcissistic abuse. Available for sale on Amazon.
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