I shouldn’t even complain, everything is good, everything is fine. Well yes, life is hard, but not that hard. Being single, raising three kids, working a few jobs, trying to live life fully, enjoying every minute of it — not always easy.

But it’s not bad either. I’ve got a flat, I’ve got a job, my kids are healthy and happy. What is there to complain about when there are so many things to be grateful for?

I feel so very alone. I feel so worthless, useless, pointless. I feel sometimes that no one really cares about me, that I have some friends, but if I don’t chase them they will forget about me. I feel that I have no other topic but to discuss my kids with my mum. I feel that all the attention I am getting from men is useless and not going anywhere. I feel that I am constantly fighting for some attention, paying attention to everyone, without being a priority to anyone.

I want to be a priority, I want to matter, I don’t want to be a second choice, a plan B, another option. I want to feel safe being me, without questioning myself, without asking myself whether I am enough, whether I matter, whether I am worthy.

Rationally, I know that all is fine. Emotionally nothing feels fine.

It will get better. It always does. I’ll make it better. But it’s tiring. Very.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for offering a safe zone.