I’ve Had Enough of My Anxious Attachment Style

I don’t need to be fixed, but could you please still try?

Photo by Kat Love on Unsplash

I hate myself for it, but here I go again, I’m checking my phone again, although the ringer is on, the wi-fi works, and if there was a message I would know about it. But I can’t help it. I already checked it today — let’s see, 10–20 times seems to be an understatement and even thinking about this number, I am already ashamed, knowing it must be a lot more. The messages I sent are piling up with no response. Just once more. Just to see if it was at least delivered or read. So that I can spiral into a different kind of despair if I see that it was read but there’s still no answer.

I start to have catastrophic thoughts. About the relationship. About where it’s heading. About myself. About the guy, I am dating. Is he seeing someone else? Why am I not good enough? Why am I never good enough? What should I do now? Ah, I’ve had enough, I’m ending it! I want to communicate assertively and let him know that I need him to be more consistent with me and that he shouldn’t let me go for this long without any sign of life. I need to know that we are fine. I need to know that he still cares.

I want to be patient and I want to wait. But waiting makes me anxious, angry, resentful, and depressed. I am losing my common sense and I am…