You Don’t Need to Be a Sex Writer to Write About Sex

Writing about sex can be a way to spicing up your sex life

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Earlier this year I went on a date with a guy and he was sort of awkward. I realised after 10 minutes that it won’t really go anywhere, but he was nice enough and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings with leaving him in the middle of a restaurant. He was just a terrible conversationalist, and after half an hour we ran out of things to talk about when he gave one syllable answers to everything I asked.

I wanted to scream, and I was considering leaving him there anyway. When the silence was getting awkward and I didn’t say a thing for long minutes, he took the hint and realised he needs to ask questions too.

“Umm, and what are your hobbies?”

Who talks like that? Nobody talks like that!

I almost laughed out, I felt really sorry for him, he was just socially awkward and a weird one… but also because I couldn’t say what I wanted to say, as I didn’t want to encourage him.

I was going to say that it’s sex and writing. In no particular order.

But I just mumbled, “I write”.

He nodded and let it go.

Damn!

He really had no idea how to keep the conversation and I knew that even if I told him about what I write about he wouldn’t have known what to ask. We went home separately and I told him: I’ll call you, which I never did.

I couldn’t tell him about it, because he wasn’t the right audience, but these are my hobbies — the two things that make my life interesting, exciting and bearable. Okay, occasionally I go to kickboxing too and running is okay too, but I can totally do without these.

I can’t do without sex and writing.

Writing is my therapy, my go-to method whenever I feel down or I feel happy, whenever I feel too much or I don’t feel anything. It is healing me, it is helping me express myself, it is making me cry and making me laugh. It helps me process emotions and traumas, it puts my past, present and future into perspective.

And sex… oh well. One of the most important things in life, that can make or break a relationship, that can make you elated or miserable, that contributes to your health and mental health.

And the brilliant thing about them is that I can combine my two hobbies and write about sex, as contrary to popular belief, you don’t need to be a sex blogger or an erotica writer to write about sex.

Journaling about sex can still help you spicing up your sex life, whether you are single or coupled, happy with it only wanting more, wanting to find a way to boost your libido, or just wanting to push your boundaries with trying another kind of writing out.

How to spice up your sex life with writing about sex?

Freewriting

This is how you start it. Just sit down and start to write about sex. Just as with any other free writing, let your mind ramble, let’s see what is it that you would circle back to. What topics are you touching on? How do you feel about your sexuality? Is there anything bothering you? Do you have any secrets you won’t even admit to yourself?

Remember, you’re safe, no one is going to judge you and the state where you should get to with writing about sex is that you shouldn’t judge yourself either.

The good thing about freewriting is that it can get you in a weird state where you are in control, yet the freedom of it allows you to let your subconscious appear for a while and guide you to topics that you might not have thought about before.

Favourite Sexual Memories

Once you are a little more comfortable with writing about sex, write about your favourite sexual memories. It is journaling, remembering and processing it all over again. You need to focus and remember, you need to find the right words to express what happened, how you felt.

It is actually more difficult than it seems because we tend to hold ourselves back, trying to find ways around using straightforward expressions. Our upbringing might stop us from using the proper names of body parts, we might have been shamed into silence about our experiences, we could have been convinced that talking or writing about sex is something dirty or cheap. Yet processing your own memories can help you find your own voice of sexuality — not to become a sex writer, but even to become more aware of what you like and what you don’t.

Writing About Your Fantasies

Taking it even further, if you are already comfortable writing about your memories, detailing them as much as you feel like detailing them, you can get into exploring your own fantasies and finding out what it is that really turns you own.

This is a safe place, you are in control, you don’t owe an explanation to anyone. This is how you can wrap your head around your own fetishes and kinks, this is how you can admit to yourself the things you suppressed. This is an opportunity to liberate yourself from all the shame, the unnecessary labels, to come to term with your own desires — in a safe way.

Writing about your fantasies, whether you are single or coupled, is helping you to know yourself better — in the most intimate ways possible.

It’s not a bucket list, but you can even use it as one.

Visualise Your Dream Sex Life

You can use writing as a way of visualisation. Visualisation, as a technique is used for self-improvement and growth — and it’s used by athletes and entrepreneurs, to define how the imagine the realisation of their desired self. Putting a finger on your yeses and nos is extremely helpful to define your north star, to set your dreams and decide on your goals. It can work also when it comes to your dream sex life.

Write about it and find it out. Detail it and see what lies within your needs. Express it and see how your fears and apprehensions evaporate.

Get Better at Expressing Yourself

In sexuality the most necessary ingredient is communication. To have a healthy sex life with your partner or later on with a future partner if you want one you need to communicate. And to know your needs and wants is a good starting point. To be able to phrase your desires, to admit your quirks and kinks is crucial for healthy sexual development.

Writing about it is like a rehearsal to later communicate about it.

Getting used to the words and expressions in writing can help you verbalise your wishes — in a subtle or straightforward way, depending on the situation and your personality. It can help to get better at erotic talk (aka dirty talk, which is not at all dirty in the negative sense of the word).

You don’t need to be an aspiring sex writer. You don’t need to write erotica or porn. You don’t need to step out of your comfort zone — at all. Writing about sex is about creating a safe space for yourself, where you are free, where you are you — with all your needs and wants about the most natural thing in the whole world: sex.

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Writer. Dreamer. Hopeless romantic. Newsletter: zita.substack.com Email me: zitafontaine (at) gmail

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